I Was Sexually Abused As A Child And I Worry That I Will Never Be Able To Enjoy Intimacy
This is a common symptom and concern after any kind of sexual assault or trauma. It can be particularly difficult if the person violating you was someone you knew and should have been able to trust. Childhood sexual abuse happens to both boys and girls and it is important to treat the consequences. After all, we don’t want to give the abusers power and control over your ability to enjoy intimacy for the rest of your life.
I Feel So Much Shame Over Having Been Abused
This is a very common response. Children feel responsible for what happens to them and they internalize shame. Especially if they try to tell someone about the abuse and they are told it cannot be happening. While this sounds absurd especially nowadays, it was and is not uncommon. This, of course, adds to the shame and the thought that “there must be something wrong with me, or I deserve this”. Sometimes people feel a lot of shame about their body’s response to molestation. While the mind is terrified and abhorred about what is happening, the body can respond with arousal. This does not mean you enjoyed the abuse. I am underlining this because it cannot be emphasized enough. While our minds and bodies are connected, of course, there are nerves in our bodies that when touched, react. This is also why sexual molestation by a family member or anyone is so egregious and criminal.
It is natural to identify with family as it is basically in our DNA. But remember you are not them. If you have been molested by a family member it says absolutely nothing about you, other than you were a victim in a helpless, dependent situation. You cannot go next door and pick a new family. The internalized shame victims of abuse feel is common but misplaced. The people who should feel that shame are the perpetrators. In therapy we help you displace the shame onto the people who violated you.
So How Can I Possibly Enjoy Sexual Intimacy Again?
You can reclaim your body by working through the consequences of sexual violations. Whoever took advantage of you did so because they were in a position of power over you. They likely knew that you had limited recourse for saying no or getting support. In therapy, we help you work through your retaliatory anger and rage toward your perpetrator, and compassionate grief over what happened to you. A common symptom following sexual abuse is dissociation or numbness. You feel nothing. But it is important to remember that the more we feel the more we heal. Being able to access feelings again is paramount and means you are alive and well. A numb body is not fully alive. When you can feel the full extent of all your feelings, you can also experience arousal again because that is also a core feeling.
What If I Don’t Feel Rage Toward My Perpetrator?
There is no prescription that you must feel rage toward them. Maybe it was a person you also trusted at times and could enjoy spending time with. It can get very complicated in this way. Because of course the people we love can also fail us miserably. Yet, it is important not to use understanding others as a defense against dealing with how that affected you. The hardest part of therapy can be to isolate variables in this way. Whatever you feel is completely fine and there is no reason to work through rage if you have none. But if you are suffering consequences such as the inability to enjoy sexual intimacy, we work to figure out what we need to work through to help you regain control over your body. Disassociation and numbness are defenses against feelings. It is important to investigate precisely what feelings you are holding back with these normal responses.
I Think The Opposite Has Happened To Me. I Tend To Sexualize Myself
While this blog addresses some of the issues associated with an inability to enjoy sex as a consequence of abuse, it is also normal to have this response. Some people tend to use arousal or sexual feelings as a defense against other feelings. Or they have learned that this is the only way to have connections, so they tend to sexualize many relationships right away. They may be easily aroused and have a disconnect between body and mind such that afterward they don’t feel good about what happened. If you resonate with this issue, there is help for that too. Through trauma therapy, you can learn to better understand your responses, feel more in control of your emotions, and make choices about intimacy that feel right for you. It is not just your body controlling you. You can learn to have more control over your feelings so that you choose who you want to be intimate with.