Raising Children Without Undue Pressure
We live in a high pressure society. How do we help ourselves parent with less stress and how do we help our child feel less stressed? You may be worried you have to do so much to keep your child engaged and productive. You may be overly concerned if they seem to just want to hang or play quietly on their own. But rest assured, this can actually be a good thing and indicates that they need this time to regulate. Our world is stressful and so is theirs. Learning to get along with school mates and keeping up with expectations all the while containing themselves requires effort.
But My Child Seems To Be Behind Academically In The Peer Group
Of course it is good to have guidelines for progress. But understand that while there are general guidelines, each child advances at different paces. There is such a thing as “readiness” which can include neurological, biological and psychological aspects. Everyone knows there is no point in trying to potty train an infant or teach arithmetic to a 2 year old. But as our children grow older, we often expect more than is good for them, often because we think they can do more, and because we think it is better to do more. You should not ignore the fact that your child may be behind, but I also encourage you to give a little more leeway. My first born was struggling to read in kindergarten and first grade, only to advance to chapter books before second. Because she was ready. Today she is the most avid reader in the family. While encouraging and helping your child with academics is a good thing of course, too much and too soon is not. It can backfire.
How Do I Know That My Child Will Advance If I Don’t Put A Lot Of Pressure?
We have all heard about the tiger mom phenomena. Is this the right way to go in order to have a successful child who wants to achieve? I do not think it is necessary. Many cultures do not engage in this practice and produce very motivated successful persons. From my experience as a psychologist, I have seen too many mental health repercussions from this practice. People show up with unreasonable, cruel expectations of themselves, often leading to depression, anxiety and physiological issues. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having high expectations for your children and of your children. But how you communicate those expectations makes a huge difference. Children have a natural instinct to learn. It is important that you don’t disrupt this by setting unrealistic standards or with a harsh approach. You risk disrupting the joy of learning. Of course, if your child seems completely disengaged from participating in learning, there may be something else going on. Asking questions and seeking professional help could be indicated in those cases.
How Do I Help My Child Regulate Stress?
Just like we need quiet time to process and restore, so does your child. We have all experienced the melt down that often happens when you pick your child up from day care or school. With older children it could be sullenness or acting out verbally, snapping at you. While this may not feel like a positive, it actually signals that your child feels safe with you to let out all pent up frustrations and feelings from the day. Let them have this and give them time. Maybe you validate that it is hard sometimes. Sometimes we are too eager to hear about their day and start asking questions as soon as we pick them up. But we now know that it is often better to wait ten minutes to ask them how their day was. This actually makes a lot of sense if we think about our own lives too. When we come home and need to sigh first, unload the groceries and greet whomever, we don’t want to immediately start sharing about our day. All persons young and old, need a moment to process after a long day.
A laissez faire style of parenting does not help a child deal with stress. Having expectations and communicating those show you care about your child’s progress and that you believe in them. But it is important to remember that your child’s brain is developing so unreasonable expectations too early on can have dire consequences and add additional stress. If you’re looking for more support on your parenting journey, visit my parenting therapy page to learn more about how counseling can help.